After tomorrow, there will be only two.

But let’s not kid ourselves. The best part of American Idol is not the overproduced performances, the “stars” that emerge, celebrity judges or even Simon’s snarky comments. No, the best part is the train wreck section at the beginning of each season, where we get a taste of those who not only don’t make the cut, but end up featured for some well-deserved humiliation.

In honor of the American Idol juggernaut, I bring you the top 5 worst American Idol auditions ever. Or, at least, the ones I could find on Youtube.

#5

James Lewis was a nice enough looking guy in Season 7. He’s dressed nicely, polite to the judges.

Then, he opens his mouth. And what issues forth is a rendition of “Go Down Moses” that sounds like a cross between Herman Munster and Jabba the Hutt on amateur karaoke night. “Let my people go?” No. Let my eardrums go.

Please. Let my eardrums go.

#4

Season 2 brought us Keith Beukelaer. I’m not completely sure whether this guy is really this creepy or he’s embarked upon some performance art kick designed to see just how much he can disturb our sensibilities.

Regardless, his rendition of “Like a Virgin” is an abomination on a Biblical level.

Even though his singing didn’t convince the judges, I’m pretty convinced that he’s more than just “like” a virgin.

#3

Season 6 brought us the lumberjack-like Steven “Red” Thoen, whose Forrest Gumpish responses to the judge’s questions hint at a little too much time spent huffing glue in the garage.

And his singing? His Freddie Mercury impression makes him sound like he was struck in the groin with a sledgehammer.

Which is the least he deserves for this appalling act of audio torture.

#2

We have to go all the way back to Season 1 for our second worst American Idol auditioner. There, we’ll meet Derek Stillings, a puberty-challenged, lanky New Yorker who looks like the main character in the white rapper parody movie Malibu’s Most Wanted.

I’ll give him this: he’s got a few moves. But his warbling take on… well, what the hell is he singing? I’m not entirely sure anyone’s ever identified the song.

Let’s face it: he sounds like a little kid sitting on the washer, singing a song during the spin cycle.

Who’s number 1? Hit the jump. Believe me when I say it is well worth it.

#1

Season 3 brought us the worst American Idol audition ever.

Her name is Jacqueline Roman. She is known as “Scat Girl.” Now those of us who are well-versed in language know that “scat” can have two meanings (DO NOT GOOGLE THIS TERM).

It can refer to an improvisational lyrical technique using nonsense words to emulate an instrument in free-form jazz. And it can refer to feces.

I’ll let our viewer choose which applies in this case.

Roman’s legendary, jazzpocalyptical rendition of “Route 66” begins by showcasing her quarter-octave range in a 23-second scatfest (again, choose your definition). When she’s done with the baby words and starts with the grown-up ones, her pitch is so bad that I don’t think she actually accomplishes a single musical note on a traditional 12-note scale. I can only imagine the neighborhood pets begging to be put to sleep during the bulk of her performance.

But it’s her finale that puts her as the single worst American Idol auditioner ever.

Just when you think she’s done, out comes a blast like Gideon’s Trumpet, a piercing audio explosion that leaves Randy incapacitated, as if she were some mutant, undiscovered Amazonian animal whose only defense is to emit a high-pitched screech to disable an attacker.

That screech marks my favorite American Idol moment of any season. And it makes her performance easily the worst in the history of the show.