So, what makes people think that conventional femininity is sexy?
“We are conditioned by patriarchy and the mass media as to what femininity is and what makes femininity sexy. If we were to strip all the conditioning back and ask ourselves, what is femininity and what makes it sexy, the answers would probably differ.”
Sommer believes it is all about how someone naturally expresses themselves, how they feel and how comfortable they are with themselves. “In today’s society, there are a lot of expectations as to what makes something sexy. All I can say is, forgo expectations, love yourself, embrace all that you are, and just be who you are!”Every woman will have a different idea as to what makes a man sexy. If he is not showing emotions then that’s scary and doesn’t make a woman feel safe, and if he is showing them too much he can come across as too soft or as a doormat, she says.
Phrases like “be a lady” and “be ladylike” affect a woman’s sexual freedom and sexual behaviour, and sometimes these can extend to their sexuality and identity. “As soon as someone tells you to be ‘something’, we feel the pressure to meet these enforced expectations and it’s easy to lose ourselves in that. So, when someone tells us to ‘be a lady’ or ‘be ladylike’, we are basically being told, ‘don’t be yourself’.”
“If you think about it, women are constantly put under a lot of pressure, and we never seem to get it right. We are told to be a lady but then when we act like a lady, we are chastised for being too ‘uptight’. And then we are encouraged to have an open mind in the bedroom, we are then slut-shamed for it. Some will even tell us to be more ‘ladylike’ because that’s what makes a good wife and a successful woman.”
“We are basically told what to be and what not to be, and that nothing is ever quite good enough. The sad thing is, it’s not only that men will think or say these things but it’s women too that criticise other women,” she adds.
Luckily, we are able to access tools through the internet; look up to more “modern” role models; access workshops on how to experience greater self-love and self-expression; and there are more women out there who are encouraging and empowering one another. Things are slowly changing, but we still have a long way to go, she says.
Sadly, because of society’s conventional expectations for both genders, a lot of women are disconnected from their sexuality. “Women are often expected to dress feminine, be demure, and be nurturing. But no one tells a woman while growing up that owning her sexuality is beautiful. You’re a woman and you’re sexual. There is no need to feel shame,” Sommer says.
“Everything starts through self-discovery, and this is achieved by asking yourself deeper questions. For example: what makes me feel sensual? What makes me open up? What helps me to connect to my feminine essence?
Sommer suggests the following techniques for tapping into your inner self. “Start by closing your eyes and visualising what that would look like for you. Another way is close your eyes, play some music, and allow your body to naturally move the way it wants to move, expressing itself in your own sensuality.”
What if your partner prefers you to be more feminine? Sommer offers tips on how to tackle this.
“This goes back to the question of what makes someone feminine, so it’s important to peel back the layers,” she says. “A healthy relationship is built on the foundation of accepting each other for who they are, rather than trying to change them.”
Women are often expected to dress feminine, be demure, and be nurturing. But no one tells a woman while growing up that owning her sexuality is beautiful. You’re a woman and you’re sexual. There is no need to feel shame
“That being said, relationships also work well when there is polarity. There is nothing wrong with connecting to your ‘feminine’ side, however you define femininity. But it’s about accessing those inner parts of yourselves and expressing them in a way that makes you feel good.”
And in order to access that, a woman needs to feel safe emotionally. This means that if it becomes an expectation imposed by their partner, then this will cause them to become insecure and question themselves.
But if a partner can be present and loving, it makes it easier for a woman to be her authentic self. “It’s important to communicate these things and for a woman to let her partner know that meeting his or her expectations will not make them more feminine.”
There is a wealth of information out there on the “healthy masculine” and the “healthy feminine” and how we can integrate them into our being and create healthy relationships with ourselves and others, she says.
10 rules for creating your own femininity for romantic love and sex
● Be your authentic self
●Express your desires openly and candidly
● Allow yourself to be vulnerable
●Discover what makes you feel nurtured
●Nurture yourself
●Discover what makes you feel sexy
●Let go of gender expectations
●Surrender
●Discover your pleasure
●Love every part of your body
Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post
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